I went to see my Neurologist a couple of weeks ago and after examining my legs which, I thought were getting weaker, he told me that I am on the cusp of Secondary Progressive MS. This was a *huge* shock!!!
I feel like I'm in a washing machine being tossed around. Its the same feeling as I had when I was first diagnosed. Its the 'not knowing' whats gonna happen and having absolutely no control over it in anyway. I like to be in control if I can and its taken me 10 years to relax (slightly) into the 'not knowing'.
I knew I was getting slightly worse but nothing has prepared me for this. I have a great relationship with my Neurologist and we have been totally honest with each other and once I calmed down at home I realised that I'm pleased he told me. At least my legs still have strength in them so I know they're not gonna collapse which has given me more confidence.
All of the problems I'm experiencing now, like the pain and stiffness in my legs, is a result of damage that happened when I was first diganosed. The second time I went into hospital I literally couldn't walk and now my MS has decided to have another go at that part of my brain. But at least now I have my wheelchair. I'm so pleased I got it before all of this happened. I can't imagine what it would be like to have the do that now on top of everything else I'm feeling!
I had a few bad days where my mind has been all over the place. So after nights of not sleeping properly I decided to journal it out. I found the picture in my bit box where I keep loads of pictures from magazines when I was looking for something for the Spring page.I used water soluble crayons for the background and a white Sakura Souffle pen to draw lightening onto the background. I needed to wite down how I felt but ended up just writing what you see here. I *know* why the journal page was made and I know what I was feeling. This has helped me enormously.
I used a stamp that Jo gave me for my birthday a while ago and it sums up my life beautifully. I stamped it onto tissue paper and used Golden gel medium to attach it to the page. Its taken me a long time but I think I have my head round it now. I am the same person who walked into the clinic as walked out. Nothing has really changed apart from a name, but its a name that can literally strike fear into you. I'm seeing a psycologist from the Pain Clinic tomorrow and my counsellor on 2nd April so I can let rip then ;)
Thank you for allowing me this little therapeutic indulgence.
