Sunday, 18 March 2012

A post to help my state of mind

 I went to see my Neurologist a couple of weeks ago and after examining my legs which, I thought were getting weaker, he told me that I am on the cusp of Secondary Progressive MS. This was a *huge* shock!!!

I feel like I'm in a washing machine being tossed around.  Its the same feeling as I had when I was first diagnosed.  Its the 'not knowing' whats gonna happen and having absolutely no control over it in anyway.  I like to be in control if I can and its taken me 10 years to relax (slightly) into the 'not knowing'.

I knew I was getting slightly worse but nothing has prepared me for this.  I have a great relationship with my Neurologist and we have been totally honest with each other and once I calmed down at home I realised that I'm pleased he told me.  At least my legs still have strength in them so I know they're not gonna collapse which has given me more confidence.

All of the problems I'm experiencing now, like the pain and stiffness in my legs, is a result of damage that happened when I was first diganosed.  The second time I went into hospital I literally couldn't walk and now my MS has decided to have another go at that part of my brain.  But at least now I have my wheelchair.  I'm so pleased I got it before all of this happened.  I can't imagine what it would be like to have the do that now on top of everything else I'm feeling!

I had a few bad days where my mind has been all over the place.  So after nights of not sleeping properly I decided to journal it out.  I found the picture in my bit box where I keep loads of pictures from magazines when I was looking for something for the Spring page.

I used water soluble crayons for the background and a white Sakura Souffle pen to draw lightening onto the background.  I needed to wite down how I felt but ended up just writing what you see here.  I *know* why the journal page was made and I know what I was feeling.  This has helped me enormously.

I used a stamp that Jo gave me for my birthday a while ago and it sums up my life beautifully.  I stamped it onto tissue paper and used Golden gel medium to attach it to the page. 

Its taken me a long time but I think I have my head round it now.  I am the same person who walked into the clinic as walked out.  Nothing has really changed apart from a name, but its a name that can literally strike fear into you.  I'm seeing a psycologist from the Pain Clinic tomorrow and my counsellor on 2nd April so I can let rip then ;)

Thank you for allowing me this little therapeutic indulgence.


Janet said...

Your work is wonderful, my friend. I am constantly amazed by the progress you make on your artistic journey. Just know that you are not forgotten and that we care very much about you.

Janet xx

veronica said...

oh Jill, so sorry to hear of your troubles - hope that the pain clinic can do something for you. I know MS is something that won't go away, and can only hope that it will not be as bad as you fear - sometimes, I think it actually helps knowing the worst, it takes the fear of the unknown away at least. Keep up the journalling if you can, and let rip!

erasercarver said...

The wonder of journalling and being able to get everything out onto the page. I love the "embrace your wonkyness" stamp - I think we could all do with something like that!

Dawn said...

Hi Jill,

Bad news indeed, but your doing grate and if the journaling helps keep going. I have Fybromyalgia I was really scared it was MS So I can imagine how your feeling.

But Like you said your still the same person as before you just have a label for the pain your having. I hope the appointments help you,Love and blessings, just keep going.

I like the sense of humour with the stamp, good for you. I love the page all the best hun.

Love Dawn xx