A post to help my state of mind

 I went to see my Neurologist a couple of weeks ago and after examining my legs which, I thought were getting weaker, he told me that I am on the cusp of Secondary Progressive MS. This was a *huge* shock!!!

I feel like I'm in a washing machine being tossed around.  Its the same feeling as I had when I was first diagnosed.  Its the 'not knowing' whats gonna happen and having absolutely no control over it in anyway.  I like to be in control if I can and its taken me 10 years to relax (slightly) into the 'not knowing'.

I knew I was getting slightly worse but nothing has prepared me for this.  I have a great relationship with my Neurologist and we have been totally honest with each other and once I calmed down at home I realised that I'm pleased he told me.  At least my legs still have strength in them so I know they're not gonna collapse which has given me more confidence.

All of the problems I'm experiencing now, like the pain and stiffness in my legs, is a result of damage that happened when I was first diganosed.  The second time I went into hospital I literally couldn't walk and now my MS has decided to have another go at that part of my brain.  But at least now I have my wheelchair.  I'm so pleased I got it before all of this happened.  I can't imagine what it would be like to have the do that now on top of everything else I'm feeling!

I had a few bad days where my mind has been all over the place.  So after nights of not sleeping properly I decided to journal it out.  I found the picture in my bit box where I keep loads of pictures from magazines when I was looking for something for the Spring page.

I used water soluble crayons for the background and a white Sakura Souffle pen to draw lightening onto the background.  I needed to wite down how I felt but ended up just writing what you see here.  I *know* why the journal page was made and I know what I was feeling.  This has helped me enormously.

I used a stamp that Jo gave me for my birthday a while ago and it sums up my life beautifully.  I stamped it onto tissue paper and used Golden gel medium to attach it to the page. 

Its taken me a long time but I think I have my head round it now.  I am the same person who walked into the clinic as walked out.  Nothing has really changed apart from a name, but its a name that can literally strike fear into you.  I'm seeing a psycologist from the Pain Clinic tomorrow and my counsellor on 2nd April so I can let rip then ;)

Thank you for allowing me this little therapeutic indulgence.

Pain, Journaling and Art

I've been meaning to post for ages but things have just gotten away from me.

First of all good news - I HAVE NO PAIN!!!!!!!

I've been a lot of pain over the last year or so.  It gradually crept up on me and just didn't go away, no matter what pain killers I took.  The only way I could get relief was to craft but my Muse disappeared.  Think she was scared by the pain lol!!

I've been attending the Pain Clinic for a while and a couple of weeks ago the doc offered me a Lidocaine infusion.  Its a local anaesthetic but doesn't numb when given by infusion.  It just does something to trick the nerves into not giving me pain.  There was no guarantee of it working but I *had* to try.

I had it on 25th January at my local hospital.  I had to go in my wheelchair as I just couldn't walk for the pain.  I went in with a pain score of 10 and came out with a score of zero and could walk again!  I get a little pain at night but the rest of the time its fine and no more pain killers.  Its a really weird feeling.  The first night I couldn't sleep cos my legs just didn't feel like mine.

I've still got very tired legs and I'm having spasms again but my MS Nurse is gonna work it out with my Neurologist to change some medication.

So now that I've written loads I think I should show my completed journal page that I started on new Years Day.

I wrote the wording using a dipping pen and drawing ink.  There were spots of ink all over cos I'm not so good with the pen so I decided to try and cover up the black marks by using Black Soot DI, which of course looked too dark and didn't dry.  So baby wipe at the ready I wiped it off and what I was left with was a darkened version of the original page which I love!

I also promised ages ago to show you my art from the MS Trust Secret Art Show.  There's another one starting in April.  I'm in the middle of doing more pieces for them.

All of the artwork is on heavy water colour paper that the MS Trust send out to the artist.  This one is drawing ink allowed to run over the paper with variegated metal leaf applied in some the shapes that the ink made.

This sold on the night of the first day of the show to the lady who organised the show.  She e-mailed to tell me and hoped I'd not be upset.  Out of all the artwork she saw, it was mine that spoke to her.  I was *chuffed*!!!

This is very obvious to any crafters out there.  I used Crushed Olive and Broken China DI's on the background with some water dripped on to remove some of the colour.  The stamp is from Sir Tim of Holtz.  Its a clear stamp and I got permission from Ranger and Sir Tim before using it.  The wording is printed on the PC and cut up.

This one sold in the first 10 minutes of the show opening!!

This was the first piece I did and I not keen on it.  Cos I'd spent time doing it I sent it in anyway.  I'm not sure if it sold or not.

I used some red paint from Ikea meant for colouring the plain wooden items they sell.  I painted another piece of paper and clagged this piece onto it and it came apart with this lovely pattern.  I used a green paint dabber through small sequin waste and then used yellow paint on a skewer to make the lines.

I've already done one piece for the Spring show and I'm really pleased with it.  Let you see that when its (hopefully) sold.